I never knew that being love sick was a physical feeling. Because I’ve never really loved anyone but you. I cannot explain the immense pulse of dizzying light that surged through my body as you walked through the door. I was not expecting to see you for a long time. I could not let go of you. My hands became weak as they trembled in yours and my lips became numb as you pressed yours against mine for one last time before you left, so soon after arriving. I could not help but cry. And now that you’ve gone I feel sicker than I’ve ever felt before. I feel like throwing up. There is an icky sensation surrounding the walls of my heart and it is slowly spreading throughout my body.How am I ever going to be without you?

I cannot bear to be without you.

Who should it be at the door

But those lips that I had kissed before?

So close they are, I can almost feel

Those lips, those lips once so real.

You stunned me so, I couldn’t breathe

My fears I felt had been relieved.

But you only stayed for less than a song.

I’ll never quite know what went wrong.

Please don’t play your aching tricks

For a distance between us has been fixed.

Don’t leave me here again so alone.

Darling, please oh please come home.

This is dedicated to the one I love:

I have to get better.

I have to bite my tongue.

For darling, I fear

That the end has begun.

I’ll never forget your arms

How they held me close so tight,

And the feeling of your lips

As they pressed to mine that night.

I’ll always dream of mornings spent

Stroking fingers through your hair.

I’ll keep reminiscing your soft eyes;

Forget them, I would not dare.

You are the one I’d hoped for

Through those many hopeless years.

You are the one whose name

Will never fail to bring me to tears.

You will be kept inside the warmth

Of my heavy hurting heart.

I’ll love you forever and ever

Thought that may sound not so smart.

❝ I’m in love with you because you make me feel safe. It sounds corny and vague. People always talk about feeling safe with someone and you wonder what it even means. I still don’t really know. All I know is that when I’m with you, I feel like I’m clutching a giant thing of pepper spray or reliving a moment of being carried to bed by my parents when I was five years old and fell asleep in front of the television. All day long, I can feel fragile, like a raw nerve, and when I come home to you, it’s like I just put on the thickest winter coat and installed bulletproof windows in my apartment. ‘Honey, I’m home…and no longer terrified.’ ❞

❝ I wish to hold you; then drink stardust and say permanently ‘farewell.’ ❞

Things that I have been diagnosed with:

• Anorexia Nervosa
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Major Depression with Suicidal Tendencies
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Explosive Anger Disorder
• Bipolar Disorder 2

I think it’s safe to say that I am pretty messed up.

Have you ever been so sad for so long that when you relax your brow it hurts more than when it is crunched up in sadness?

My boyfriend’s Aunty thinks I’m a psychotic bitch.

I don’t think she knows yet that I have bipolar disorder.

The Freshman (1925)

I don’t know what is to become of us.

I had a dream again.

One of those dreams.

Do you remember how the train left without me?

Do you remember how I wandered alone in the rain?

Yes, one of those dreams.

I fear that the end is near.

Or…

Perhaps I’m just not myself at the moment.

But when am I ever?